In today’s episode, you’re going to learn why commitment is so critical to your relationship and how to distinguish what you’re already committed to in your romantic life.

Do you have a clear commitment for your relationship?


I know. It's a scary word for a lot of people. But you and I both can appreciate how hugely important commitment is. So here's the question: What are you committed to?

If you’re dating or in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. Your commitment might not be that clear or defined. On the other hand, if you're married, then you mostly likely stated your commitment out loud in the vows you read at your wedding. But can you repeat those vows today? Less than one month after my wedding, I know I couldn't!

How crazy is that? My vows are the most important promise I've ever made and I literally couldn't remember what I said!

I don't think I'm alone here. Most people have a general sense of the path they are trying to follow in their relationship, but haven’t consciously defined their commitment. Even if they've recited wedding vows aloud, people don't actively remember those vows and don't keep that very conscious commitment alive in their day-to-day relationship.

And frankly, this level of commitment isn’t going to cut it if you want extraordinary love.

Our commitments govern our actions.

Imagine the actions of an employee whose commitment is to not get fired... How might they act differently from an employee whose commitment is to get promoted next quarter?

One employee may be putting in the fewest number of hours required, doing the bare minimum and keeping his head down to avoid the boss.

Meanwhile, the employee who is committed to being promoted is most likely putting in extra time, going above and beyond the job description and probably trying to get as much time in front of the boss as possible.

So how does this look in relationships? For me, during the times when my relationship with my husband was most difficult, I discovered that I was committed to:

  • Not rocking the boat
  • Staying inside of my comfort zone
  • Getting my needs met
  • Not looking bad or being embarassed

Times when our relationship has been the best, I've been committed to:

  • Meeting his needs
  • Being happy
  • Having an exciting and fun relationship
  • Being intimate & passionate

So how do you discover your commitments?

It is easy: take a look at your actions.

Your action or inaction is a direct reflection of your commitments and priorities.

Here's an example: Let’s say I have a desire to get in better shape. I might tell you I am committed to my health. But then instead of going to the gym, I sit on my couch and eat potato chips (real talk!) - what is my commitment there?

Well it sure isn't to my health! I may be genuinely interested in losing weight and probably have a desire to lose weight. Heck, I may even have taken a couple actions to could lead to losing weight. But at the end of the day, my commitment is to be a couch potato, to watch tv and eat chips!

We can bluff ourselves all day long, but our actions do not lie.

It’s like the saying, the difference between involvement and commitment is like eggs and ham, the chicken is involved, the pig is committed.

We can bluff ourselves all day long, but our actions do not lie. Our actions always correlate to our true commitments. #lovesmarter

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Now, we are always committed to something, even all my free spirits out there who are committed to having no commitments. So the question becomes, what are you committed to???

And perhaps more importantly: Is that commitment serving you?

Commitment Discovery Activity:

Here's an activity that I have found to be very helpful: Make a list of all of the things you desire in your life. You can either draw this on a piece of paper or download the worksheet I've made a worksheet to make this easier.

Get the Free Worksheet! 

I've made you an easy worksheet to help you discover what your current commitments are and whether or not they are serving you. Click the button below to download it!


1. Turn your paper sideways and draw 5 columns.

2. In the first, make a list of all of the things that you want and desire in your relationship or if you want to, you can do this exercise for every area of your life.

3. In the second column, next to each desire you wrote, make a list the top 1-3 actions that you know to take that would lead to you getting what you desire.

 4. In the third column write down what actions you do already take - whether they align to that commitment or not. It’s possible that they will be a perfect match for what you wrote in the previous column.

For example, say you desire to find a boyfriend and you know that the actions to take the lead you to that would be to go out and meet new people and to go on dates.

If you’re actually committed to that, your actions will be totally aligned and you will see in the third column that you’re already going out to meet new people twice a week, that you've been on 3 dates this month, etc. You would be able to see that your actions are aligned with your desires and the commitment you made.

If however you realize that the actions you’re actually taking are that you sit on your couch on Saturday nights with ice cream and Netflix, and that you hang out with your girlfriends to complain about how there’s no good men in the city, you will see that there’s actually a difference between what you’re desiring, what you say you're committed to, and the actions you are taking.

There is actually something you are more committed to than finding a boyfriend. Which leads me to the next column.

5. Write this undercover commitment down in the 4th column.

In the example of staying home and complaining when what you really want is a boyfriend, you might realize “Wow. I don’t go out because I am scared of getting rejected. What I am really committed to is 'Not Being Rejected'“

Once you discover what you are committed to the question becomes, are those commitments serving you?

Is that what you want to be committed to? If today was your last day on the planet and you looked at that list of undercover commitments, would you say, “yes, this is who I want to be in the world?”

6. Now go on over to the final column and write a new commitment that inspires you. “I am committed to taking chances in love” or “I am committed to being a supportive wife”.

Get the Free Worksheet! 

I've made you an easy worksheet to help you discover what your current commitments are and whether or not they are serving you. Click the button below to download it!

I really love this exercise I think it’s a really powerful tool to stop in and check in “How’s my life going? Do I like how I am spending my time on this planet?”

This is a great exercise to do in any area of your life but it’s particularly powerful in your relationship because we don’t often examine what our commitments are beyond an agreement of monogamy.

So post in the comments, what are you committed to?

In the next episode I’m gonna teach you all about why you need a vision for your relationship. Until then, #LoveSmarter my friend!

Laurie-Anne King